Today I don’t know what it is I’m planning on writing.
So rather than not writing, I’m going to start and see where I end up.
Maybe my subconscious has more of an idea anyway.
I’ve burnt my finger, by stupidly picking up an empty glass dish, that I had unwittingly left cooking on top of the ceramic hob…sad face :O(
Also I’ve attempted to invent some amazing, Keto friendly pancakes for tea but instead, actually created some inedible slop, that refuses to cook and whenever Ive tried to flip it over, breaks up into some, pile of mush, with cooked speckled bits in it (bleugh). However, on the positive side, the dog has had a delicious dinner and seems quite impressed with my efforts, demolishing the lot…the fact that he also thinks cat poo is a delectable treat, also speaks volumes about my cooking skills today.
I suppose what I maybe trying to convey here is, today is somewhat of a half-cocked, kind of day.
It’s not what I would consider to be a bad day per say. it just doesn’t want to become a fully formed one and Im finding it, as frustrating as hell.
I have all these things that I would quite like to crack on with; the sun is shining, the kids are out and about all day and no one appears to require anything from my existence but despite that, I just can’t seem to make the jigsaw pieces fit together and its doing my nut in.
I’m aware that I have a condition that essentially means, I constantly have to manage with a limited energy supply and that, at times, wearing matching underwear is consider a momentous achievement but I’m not in a ‘lets celebrate the small things’ kind of day. Nope, I’m in a ‘I just want to be normal and have normal energy and I want to moan about all the jobs I have to do but can’t get round to sorting’, sort of day.
I am not feeling my Zen.
So, I suppose the question really is:
Am I having an ‘off’ day because of my disabilities or is this no different to someone else (who I would label as ‘normal’) having an ‘off’ day too?
Its easy when you have a disability (whatever form it may take), to blame everything you can’t do or have, on that disability. My pancakes would have been delicious, if I wasn’t distracted by the brain fog, my house would be spotless, if I didn’t have to sleep and rest all of the time, I would walk the dog and be really fit, if I only had the stamina to get up the hill…etc…you get the drift.
But I’m starting to wonder if that entirely true.
If I swap the concept of energy for money, that might make things a bit clearer.
If I have £20 a week for being ‘special’ and Hamish (Amy, my live in Mary Poppins) has £50 a week for being ‘normal’, she definitely has much more money to spend on day-to-day stuff, than I do. However, should Hamish go and blow her entire £50 budget, on an amazing pair of shoes and I also spent all of my money on a £20 pair of shoes (off ebay of course), then both of us, would still be out of cash now and would therefore have to stay home today, watching Jeremy Kyle, rather than going out for a lovely lunch.
The point I’m feebly trying to make is…yes, Hamish has got, much more money than I have and she could choose to spend all of that money (energy) purchasing a lot more items than I can each week but that doesn’t alter the fact that, her resources are still limited.
Once she has spent up, it’s still gone.
Just because her health is ‘normal’, doesn’t mean that she has access to that illusive, money tree. Which means she doesn’t have unlimited resources and is just as capable of burning through her own energy levels and consequently having an ‘Off day’, as I am.
What I’m realising is, the problem isn’t how much money I have to spend but actually how I am choosing to manage the spending of that money.
Hamish is always going to have £30 more than me each week.
Thats is just a fact and there is no point me arguing about that.
These are my circumstances right now and until I discover a way of making more pennies for myself (still just talking about energy here), which is currently looking quite unlikely. Sulking about it, won’t change it but that doesn’t make me ‘special’ either. We are all of us, equally capable of suffering with the same affliction, of under estimating how much things costs and over spending our resources in trying to acquire them.
When its gone, its gone and its not going to come back, until next pay day.
I am having an ‘off’ day today and I imagine it may have something to do with my romantic, mini holibob with Richard and over-spending my resources on those couple of nights away but it was worth it. I’m penniless and tired but maybe I just needed to accept that this is the payback…an ‘Off’day.
Yet, even knowing that this is the price. Its reassuring to realise that I would gladly pay it all again.
So today I have not scrubbed the cat wee off the floor (seriously my cat is having some issues with this new move), I have not cleaned my bathroom and we the kids ate regular pancakes for tea but hey, at least it wasn’t a bad day and who knows, it might be payday next week.
Take care of yourselves because only you can and you are worth every penny xxx